The Secret Behind Erotic Fantasies

​Erotic fantasies comprise an integral part of human psychosexual life. Whether we’re discussing fleeting thoughts that pop into our heads throughout the day, or repeated scenarios that appear to us during sexual activity, fantasising contributes to arousal, sexual scripts, building identity and emotional regulation. Despite how common they actually are, fantasies remain shrouded in myth (for example, the idea that fantasies are a reflection of the things we desire to do in real life, or the idea that we should only fantasise about our partner) as well as taboo.

In scientific literature, a sexual fantasy is defined as a mental activity involving images, thoughts or scenarios that provoke and/or maintain sexual arousal in a person. This can include brief images, more elaborate scenarios — whether voluntarily or spontaneously thought up — during masturbation, sexual encounters, or independent of any sexual activity. Conscious fantasies differ from masturbation, as the latter takes place while a person is asleep, although the two can interact on a psychological level (Leitenberg & Henning, 1995 ; Kahr, 2008 ; Stefańska et al., 2022).

Fantasies can be pleasant, embarrassing, aligned with our values, tinged with ambivalence… and they can fall into two categories: normophilic (centred around consenting partners and socially accepted scenarios) and paraphilic (involving people, objects, situations or unconventional interests). Amongst the general population, this distinction is not considered pathological in any way (Leitenberg & Henning, 1995 ; Joyal & Carpentier, 2017). Indeed, fantasy remains, by definition, an imaginary construct: it does not imply any intention to act upon it, nor any moral significance for the person experiencing it (Leitenberg & Henning, 1995).

Fantasies generally stem from sexual history. Conditioning (meaning associating arousal with certain stimuli encountered during childhood or adolescence) is often cited as a way to explain fantasies around a particular object (a fetish) or a situation (domination, for example).

Thus, early experiences, whether with oneself or with others, whether traumatic or not, can create lasting associations between certain stimuli and arousal (Gewirtz-Meydan et al., 2023 ; Leitenberg & Henning, 1995). During adulthood, fantasies tend to stabilise, while remaining adaptable according to relational experiences, sexual learning and cultural contexts (Harris et al., 2020).

Almost all adults report having had at least one sexual fantasy during their life, whether that be erotic daydreams throughout the day, or scenarios used to make arousal and orgasm easier. In the book Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasy (2008), Brett Kahr states that around 96% of men and 90% of women report having had fantasies. The frequency and diversity of the content varies greatly according to gender, age, personal sexual history, culture…(Leitenberg & Henning, 1995 ; Joyal & Carpentier, 2017 ; Brown et al., 2020).

In one study done on 1516 adults, Joyal et al. (2015) sjowed that fantasy scenarios, whether common or unusual, are very commonplace. These results come together to form the idea that the absence of fantasies is more uncommon than the presence thereof, and that the line that separates more ‘typical’ themes from more ‘atypical’ themes should be put into question.

Aims to classify fantasies have brought to light the most common categories we see: romantic/intimacy (tenderness, emotional bonds), newness/adventure, domination/submission (this includes BDSM), fetishisms (centred on an object or a specific part of the body) and taboos (incest, underage people, infidelity…). The prevalence of these themes differs: intimate fantasies are included amongst the most common, whereas fantasies about underage people are rare in studies (Leitenberg & Henning, 1995 ; Ciardha et al., 2021).

The most frequently cited fantasies include sexual relations with a known partner, relations with a new partner, oral sex, sexual relations in an uncommon or romantic place, and, amongst a significant number of people, dom/sub scenarios (Leitenberg & Henning, 1995 ; Joyal et al., 2015).

28.9% of women and 30.7% of men report having fantasised about being forced to have sexual relations. What’s more, 46.7% of women and 59.6% of men fantasise about dominating someone. Furthermore, fantasies of submission and domination are positively correlated, meaning that they are not opposed, but frequently reported by the same individuals (Joyal et al., 2015). They often form part of a symbolic, erotic or emotional logic, where power, loss of control or transgression play an exciting role in a secure imaginary setting (Zurbriggen & Yost, 2004).

In general, men report having more fantasies about the act itself, variety of partners and the visual context, whereas women describe scenarios with a relational, emotional or romantic dimension (Leitenberg & Henning, 1995).

Fantasies serve several purposes. On a sexual level, they facilitate arousal and orgasm, whether that be alone or with a partner, by introducing added stimulation when the actual situation isn’t enough, or when certain settings can’t be acted out (Leitenberg & Henning, 1995). They can also serve as an ‘imaginary laboratory’ for safely exploring scenarios, testing roles, relationship dynamics or ambiguous aspects of oneself (Joyal et al., 2015).

For example, fantasies of domination/submission can fulfil psychological functions such as reducing decision-making stress, intensifying arousal through stress-related physiological activation, or exploring socially forbidden roles without any actual danger (Bivona et al., 2012). What’s more, on average those concerned present good psychological adjustment and a keen awareness of the issues of consent, boundaries and safety (Wismeijer & van Assen, 2013).

On a psychological level, fantasies can participate in emotional regulation and stress management by offering a space for control and pleasure at any given moment. They can also participate in constructing one’s sexual and gender identity by allowing people to explore forms of attraction or even positions that they haven’t (yet) accepted in reality (Leitenberg & Henning, 1995 ; Joyal et al., 2015).

Despite how common they are, fantasies are still surrounded by shame and taboo, especially when they involve scenarios that are viewed as transgressive. Fear of being judged or misunderstood by partners and health professionals can cause people to be secretive, isolate themselves, and even cause psychological suffering (Leitenberg & Henning, 1995). Some people may perceive their fantasies as a precursor to some type of ‘perversion’ or ‘danger’, even if those fantasies are never acted upon.

Furthermore, fantasies are personal things that can be communicated if one feels the need to (for example the need to be reassured by a professional, to feel less alone, or to share them with a partner), but they can also be kept to oneself. As Winnicott says, there exists within each of us a special and ‘incommunicable’ realm of the imagination, which may remain private and never be revealed (Kahr, 2008).

One question that’s often asked, in both the medical field and in public debates, concerns the link between fantasies and eventually acting upon them. Of course, there can be a correlation between certain types of fantasy and sexual behaviour, but this is far from being systematic: many people wish never to live out their fantasies, or wish to only in a symbolic, consensual setting (Imhoff et al., 2011 ; Seto, 2019).

In clinical practice, assessing the risk of acting out is based less on the content of the fantasy in isolation than on overall psychological functioning, including psychopathologies, impulsivity, empathy, personal values, the ability to distinguish between fantasy and reality, and respect for consent and the law (Ciardha et al., 2021 ; Joyal & Carpentier, 2017 ; Seto, 2019 ; Stefańska et al., 2022).

Thus, the presence of a fantasy, even a transgressive one, is not proof of someone’s intentions, nor is it a sufficient indicator of how dangerous they are. A fantasy is only problematic if it causes significant distress, interferes with overall functioning, or is part of a pattern of non-consensual or dangerous behaviour (APA, DSM‑5, 2013).

It may be helpful to explore with a professional the function of a fantasy (pleasure, emotional regulation or compensation, controlled transformation of a traumatic experience, etc.) and its impact. Is it experienced as helpful, enriching, neutral, a source of anxiety or guilt? Can it be in line with our personal values? Does it cause intrapsychic or relational conflicts? The aim is to help the person integrate their fantasies into a satisfying and secure sexuality, possibly by working on communication between partners.

Professional help may also be necessary in cases where a person no longer feels in control of their fantasies nor how they act upon them. There are various organisations in the UK that work as preventative support for those worried about their non-consensual sexual thoughts and/or behaviour, such as Stop It Now. Find their site here: https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/self-help/concerned-about-your-own-thoughts-or-behaviour/concerned-about-your-thoughts-or-behaviour/​

A specialised risk assessment and appropriate psychotherapeutic support may be offered if the fantasy:

• Is compulsory and mandatory, regardless of its content
• Causes considerable subjective distress (guilt, shame, anxiety, etc.)
• Affects your relational or professional life
• And if there is a risk of action that could harm others (Joyal et al., 2015 ; Stefańska et al., 2022).

The recommended therapeutic approach is non-stigmatising and focuses on risk reduction, stress and impulse management, working on guilt, consent, self-esteem and dysfunctional cognitions (Laws & O’Donohue, 2008). This approach strikes a balance between prevention, respect for the individual and protection of third parties.

Sexual fantasies are universal, multifunctional and heterogeneous. They offer a privileged psychological space for exploration, where desires, emotions and representations can be freely experienced, without constraint or real consequences. Thus, they contribute to sexual creativity, self-knowledge and the development of a personalised sexuality. Whether shared or kept private, fantasies are not to be judged. They are, above all, a normal product of human sexuality. In clinical practice, the attention should focus less on the nature of the fantasy and more on its function, its impact and the overall functioning of the individual, in an informed, curious and non-judgmental manner.