I Love My Partner, but I Don’t Want to Sleep with Them

Within the collective imagination, love and sexual desire are often considered inseparable. However, it is entirely possible, and even fairly common, to love a partner deeply yet no longer feel desire for them. In fact, it’s one of the most common reasons that couples seek sex therapy. Suffering doesn’t necessarily come from a lack of desire itself, but the way that someone interprets their lack of desire.

One German study found that 4.7% of men have low sexual desire, indicating that this problem affects a relatively small amount of the male population (Meissner et al., 2019). According to the DSM-5, its prevalence varies from 3% to 17% depending on country of origin and evaluation method, with rates of between 3% and 14% amongst younger men (aged 16-24) and between 16% and 28% amongst older men (aged 60-74).

In women, an Australian study by Zheng et al. (2020) of 10,554 women showed that 27.4% of women aged 18–24 years old and 58.9% of women aged 45–49 years old have low levels of desire, whilst 12.2% and 31.6% had hypoactive sexual desire disorders. A recent meta-analysis (Tetik & Yalçınkaya Alkar, 2023) confirms a prevalence of 29% for low sexual desire and 12% for hypoactive sexual desire disorder.

It is therefore essential that we distinguish between normal variations in desire and a verified disorder. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder can be defined as “a persistent or recurrent lack or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts and/or desire and/or receptiveness to sexual activity, causing significant personal distress and/or interpersonal difficulties”. These symptoms last for at least 6 months (APA, 2013), despite experiencing potentially enjoyable sexual encounters.

If there’s an absence of distress, a dip in desire isn’t necessarily a clinical problem. This distinction helps to reduce stigmatisation and medicalisation of normal fluctuations in desire throughout one’s lifetime due to contextual influences such as fatigue, pregnancy, children, relationship length, age, or illness.

Understanding that love and desire are two distinct mechanisms helps us move beyond a sometimes simplistic and guilt-inducing interpretation of desire. Indeed, these two dimensions may develop at different rates, without this calling into question the strength of the emotional bond (Basson, 2001; 2005).

First of all, romantic attachment is part of a process aimed at fostering emotional security. It relies on trust, stability, tenderness, mutual support and a sense of continuity in the bond (Hazan & Shaver, 1987 ; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). Sexual desire, however, may imply a different dynamic. It sparks curiosity, anticipation, imagination, erotic dimensions, arousal, and may require a physical or symbolic distance between the two people in order to create a sense of longing.

As Esther Perel highlights, desire thrives on otherness. It implies perceiving the other as distinct, sometimes surprising, and not fully integrated into one’s daily routine (Perel, 2006). Neuroscientific research also confirms this idea. Studies indicate that romantic love, sexual desire and attachment activate slightly different brain networks (Aron et al., 2005 ; Fisher et al., 2002).

What’s more, the works of Rosemary Basson have profoundly transformed our understanding of desire, particularly among women. Contrary to the traditional linear model (desire → arousal → orgasm), Basson proposes a circular model in which desire is reactive, not spontaneous. It can therefore arise from relational context, physical contact or emotional intimacy (Basson, 2001). This perspective helps to explain why a person may love their partner deeply without necessarily feeling spontaneous sexual attraction towards them.

Some of the most common reasons include:

At the beginning of a relationship, the so-called ‘passionate love’ phase is accompanied by a strong activation of the reward systems, with an increased release of dopamine. This phase, characterised by emotional and sexual intensity, can last anywhere between a few months up to a few years. Over time, habits begin to form. Your partner thus becomes a figure of safety, an ally throughout the day to day, with whom you can accomplish long-term projects. This transformation is normal and generally causes diminished erotic tension (Aron et al., 2005). Many years into a relationship, the activated brain regions are more closely linked to attachment and marital satisfaction than to sexual desire (Xu et al., 2012).

Relationship problems also play a crucial role in the erosion of desire. Mounting frustrations, feelings of injustice, a lack of recognition and insufficient communication can inhibit sexual desire (Widmer & Ammar, 2013 ; McNulty et al., 2016). In some relationships, this sets off a vicious cycle: the more desire wanes, the more present certain tensions become, causing desire to wane. This tends to be the case when the partner who has more desire insists or sulks in the face of their partner’s absent desire:

The book, En quête du désir perdu : La méthode Alegria pour une sexualité épanouie (In Search of Lost Pleasure: the Alegria Method for a Fulfilling Sex Life) by Angélique Capelle Voisin (2023) gives advice to heterosexual couples going through this problem in order to improve communication and favour intimacy.

Desire is influenced by thoughts, beliefs and emotions. Performance anxiety, social expectations (i.e., you should be wanting sex regularly), or even negative beliefs surrounding sexuality can inhibit desire. When desire becomes an obligation instead of something pleasurable, one becomes more stressed and tends to avoid sex. Emotions such as anger, guilt and anxiety are also powerful dampeners on desire. Desire requires a certain amount of mental availability that can be difficult to achieve when stressed or dealing with emotional and psychological tension.

Cognitive sexual response models show that the attention paid to erotic stimuli is an essential condition for arousal, and that distracting or self-critical thoughts can have a big impact on arousal (Dove & Wiederman, 2000). A study in neuroimaging suggests that cognitive mechanisms can interfere with sexual arousal (Poeppl et al., 2016). What’s more, spectatoring and negative body image are also associated with reduced desire and sexual pleasure (Woertman & van den Brink, 2012 ; Nobre & Pinto-Gouveia, 2008).

Besides intrusive thoughts and negative body image, there can be a dissonance between physiological arousal and subjective feelings, making it difficult to make sense of physical signals of desire and arousal (Chivers et al., 2010).

Sexual routine, focus on genital performance to the detriment of sensuality, lack of creativity, rigidness of sexual scripts and avoiding intimacy can contribute to a progressive reduction in desire (Capelle Voisin, 2023). What’s more, environmental factors such as mental load, over-investing in one’s career or a lack of proximity, tenderness and emotional exchanges in a relationship have a significant influence on desire (McCabe & Goldhammer, 2012).

Hormonal changes (oestrogen, testosterone, prolactin etc.), chronic illnesses, pain, and side effects of medication, especially with some antidepressants, can, amongst other things, alter desire. Certain periods or life events such as pregnancy, postpartum, menopause, the arrival of a child, testosterone deficit, breast or prostate cancer… are also associated with significant fluctuations in desire.

Differences in desire between men and women have often been considered through a stereotyped lens. Contemporary research shows that these differences are largely determined by psychosocial factors. Female desire is on average more sensitive to context, emotions and relationship quality (Basson, 2001 ; Baumeister, 2000). However, these differences are not due to strictly biological factors. Men can also be affected by psychological and relational factors. This encourages us to think past preconceived notions of male desire being constant (Carvalho & Nobre, 2011).

When love is present, it can serve as a valuable reference point. The goal isn’t to ‘force’ desire, but to establish the right conditions for it to reemerge in. Modern sexological approaches insist upon the idea that desire functions as an ecosystem: it is dependent on the balance between facilitating factors and inhibiting factors (Nagoski, 2015).

By beginning with the dual control model created by Bancroft et al. (2009), we can aim to list the physiological, psychological and cultural elements that activate or inhibit desire. This model works like a set of scales to be balanced by favouring, eliminating or improving elements on both sides, so that you end up with more arousal than inhibition.

By taking all of this information into account, we can:

• Reduce any obstacles (stress, fatigue, pressure, conflict etc.) rather than looking to increase desire straight away,
• Restore emotional security via more open, positive and enriching communication between partners,
• Make room for otherness (separate activities, shared social moments, rediscovering one another),
• Break routine sexual scripts and introduce newness (see Jüne Plã’s book Bliss Club (2020), that compiles numerous illustrated practices),
• Maintain communication when trying new sexual practices, don’t hesitate to express satisfaction or discomfort,
• Restore sensuality and touch that isn’t orientated towards sexual performance (by practising the Sensate Focus and slow sex, for example) rather than focusing solely on the genitals,
• Try living out fantasies and nourishing your erotic imagination (if you need a little help, try listening to an erotic podcast, reading a sensual book or watching erotic content),
• Reconnect with your own desire, independent of your partner, and take time to explore your body via masturbation,
• Work on body image and connecting with your sensations through mindful practices,
• Improve relationship quality instead of concentrating on the frequency of sexual relations,
• Accept fluctuating desire as a normal thing,
• Introduce elements of surprise or new initiatives into your daily routine,
• Create bonding moments (make memories, work on projects together, play games, set challenges as a team etc.),
• Speak to a professional if needed (couples therapist or sex therapist).

Loving your partner without desiring them isn’t necessarily a sign that there’s a problem in your relationship. It’s often due to how your connection changes over time, certain life contexts, as well as due to individual and/or relational factors. This means that desire is not a fixed concept. It evolves, fluctuates, sometimes disappears and can also be rekindled when the time is right. The main goal is to understand the situation without dramatising things, put words to each partner’s lived experience and to move forward, at one’s own pace, towards a renewed intimacy desired by both parties.