Does Size Matter?: Answering the Age-old Question

In this article, the LOVE Team is here to discuss some popular beliefs around the topic, find out what’s really going on behind society’s obsession with size, and discuss what really matters when it comes to having a flourishing sex life.

Size can be an anxiety inducing topic as soon as we use it to compare ourselves to others. Some people compare themselves to porn stars or airbrushed images on social media. Others are influenced by changing room banter or nights out that turn sexuality into a performance contest.

Little by little, we end up believing that the ‘right’ sized penis, boobs, or bum exists, and that anything that doesn’t fit into this idea can’t be okay. In reality, most complexes arise from a discrepancy between what we imagine the other person expects and what the other person is actually looking for: shared pleasure, complicity, tenderness and a genuine connection.

This fixation hasn’t just come out of thin air, lots of things have caused the obsession. The standards for masculinity too often associate a man’s worth with the size of their penis and their ability to ‘handle’ every situation. For this reason, a lot of men measure their confidence using an inch-based system.

Cultural myths are also what keep this obsession alive. The idea that ‘bigger is better’ is a recurrent theme in films, series, conversations between friends… as if size is a way to measure pleasure.

What’s more, sexuality is often seen as a performance. We focus on things that can be seen and quantified — size, stiffness, endurance — making us forget what really makes sex good: communication, imagination, the way you touch and listen to your partner.

Studies show that there is, of course, an average range for penis size that most people fit into. They also indicate that men believe themselves to be much more ‘out of the ordinary’ than they actually are, while their partners are, in practice, much less focused on size than they imagine.

Sexologists have observed that overall sexual satisfaction is linked to the relationship between partners, complicity, the way they touch, talk and look at each other, as well as their capacity to take into account their partner's needs.

Clitoral stimulation plays a key role in pleasure for those with a vulva. Penetration is one possible act amongst many in a sexual relationship, and the size of a partner’s penis has, in fact, little to do with the overall experience. In other words, size may sometimes make a difference, but it’s far from the be all and end all that some people may imagine it to be.

People with ‘small’ penises are completely capable of having a great sex life. The majority of the nerve endings in a vulva are located at the vaginal entrance and in the clitoris. More shallow penetration can be pleasant, or even more enjoyable for a lot of people. Angles of penetration, positions that bring the pelvises closer together, and simultaneous stimulation of the clitoris using the fingers, mouth, or a sex toy are a game changer for partner pleasure.

On the contrary, a super long or super girthy penis does not guarantee comfort nor intense pleasure. Too deep or quick penetration can be painful, as can a lack of lube. Penetration with a large member often demands more preparation, lubrication and added communication.

In this case, it’s especially important to opt for positions where it’s easy to control depth and rhythm, to let the person being penetrated decide what works for them, and to accept that some of the more ‘intense positions aren’t for every couple.

Real attraction stems from how comfortable you are in your own body: a certain look, the way you undress yourself, a smile, tone of voice, the gradual increase in confidence. Accepting your body with all of its ‘imperfections’ has much more of an impact on desire than any ‘ideal size’.

Why don’t we put down the ruler and measuring tape for a second? This way we can get to the heart of the topic. Connecting to your partner: knowing they’re present, that they’re attentive to your actions, being aware of what you feel, all completely change the experience.

Communication is just as important. Being bold enough to tell them how gentle to be, where you like to be touched, that there’s something you don’t like, or that you’d want to try something else, means you can switch things up easily when needed. These are the types of exchanges that transform a pleasant moment into an unforgettable one.

Performance can’t be measured by the length of an encounter, or the size of a certain body part. It’s measured by the ability to make each partner feel desired, respected, safe and satiated.

You can’t necessarily change the size of your penis, but you can definitely transform the way you use your pocket rocket.

Some positions may work better with your and your partner's body types. If you’ve got a shorter penis, positions that bring bodies together, such as modified versions of missionary or spooning, will maximise contact at the same time as favouring external stimulation. If you’ve got a longer or wider penis, it may be a better idea to opt for positions where the person being penetrated is in control of rhythm and depth, like cowgirl.

Sex toys are great for shifting attention from size to feeling. For example, a cock ring can intensify sensations and support your erection. Some penis sleeves modify the textures felt and add another dimension to play, without making you feel like your body is a ‘work in progress’. Clit stimulators, when used during penetration, can seriously boost pleasure for those with a vulva. butt plugs and anal toys play around with pressure, feelings of fullness and depth, enriching sensual play by adding a new dimension to sensations.

The idea isn’t to compensate for having a body you deem to be inadequate, but to enhance the overall experience and multiply possible pleasure sources.

Body complexes don’t just disappear from one day to the next. Overcoming body image issues can take a while.

Take some time to explore your body through masturbation, autoeroticism will help you to better understand what you enjoy, how you like to be touched and what you like most about yourself. Little by little, your mindset will shift from critical to a more curious, well-meaning relationship with your body.

Modifying your inner monologue also plays an important role. Replace phrases like “I’m rubbish” or “my body is gross” with things such as “I’m learning to love…” or “I’m trying to accept…” opens the door to a more gentle relationship with yourself.

If a partner says something unkind about your body, it doesn’t reflect your worth, but it says a lot about how your partner functions. You’re more than within your right to set boundaries, tell your partner what they said is hurtful, and event to stop sharing your intimate life with someone who puts you down.

If your obsession with size is getting in the way of your sex life — to the point where you can’t be naked, engage in sex, or feel confident in your desire — consider consulting a sexologist or therapist. Professional support will help you gradually deconstruct the beliefs that cause suffering and rebuild a more peaceful relationship with your body.

So, does size really matter? In certain situations, it can impact your sex life, but not necessarily in the way you might imagine. A penis, chest, bum, or tummy are never ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’. They’re simply parts of us that, when accepted and loved, can provide incredible pleasure.

What really matters is the way you use your body, your ability to listen to your partner, the quality of communication, respecting limits and desires, and the pleasure you build together.

Rather than questioning the size of certain body parts, ask yourself what you can do to be a dynamo in bed. As for all the numbers, they can stay away from the bedroom.