I Masturbate Even Though I’m in a Relationship, Does that Make me a Bad Person?

Masturbation is a part of sexuality, there’s no denying it. It doesn’t cease to exist as if by magic once you get into a relationship or start having sex regularly. On the contrary, solo sex can exist alongside sex with a partner, they can even be complementary.

In this article, we aim to deconstruct some stubborn ideas and look into how shared fun and solo fun can indeed work well together, without jealousy, shame, or fuss.

It’s a longstanding idea that we have to choose between a ‘real’ sex life, or be contented with solo play whilst waiting for something better to come along. The result? As soon as someone in a relationship masturbates, a lot of people see it as a sign of a problem.

Some persistent ideas are:

• “If they’re masturbating, it’s because they’re not satisfied”
• “Masturbation is for single people and horny teenagers”
• "You’re not supposed to masturbate when you’re in a relationship”

Such beliefs are based on a narrow-minded vision of sexuality, harking back to the idea that the only thing that matters is penetration. Masturbation is thus perceived to be a plan B, when it is in fact a form of sexuality in its own right, with its own benefits and pleasures.

Education and culture sometimes pose issues. A lot of people have grown up hearing guilt inducing claims such as “it’s dirty”, “it’s shameful”, “it’s bad for your health”, or even things like “you’ll see, later on you won’t need to masturbate”. These are messages that can remain in the back of someone’s mind, even into adulthood.

Porn also plays its part. Videos are often focused on performance, penetration, extremely codified scenarios… and don’t leave a lot of place for the idea that we can have a rich solo intimate life, even when in a relationship.

Masturbating when you already have frequent sex is not ‘too much’ or ‘excessive’. It's simply another way to explore pleasure.

When you masturbate, you’re listening intently to your feelings: the moves that please you, what rhythm gets you going, where to put your hand, when to slow down and speed up. It’s a tangible area for exploration.

Bit by bit, you’ll have a better idea about what turns you on, relaxes you, what gets you to the big O. This is all extremely important information when in a relationship as it will help you to explain what you like, guide your partner, and stop with the often frustrating guessing game to figure out what each other likes.

In real life, partners don’t always feel like doing the deed at the same time, or with the same intensity. People are sometimes tired, stressed, have to deal with children, long hours, general life worries.

Masturbation can help to manage desire without making differences in sex drive between partners a big deal. It stops partners from feeling obligated to say yes every time. It can also be a source of support during periods when intercourse is less frequent: illness, travel, postpartum, mental overload, etc.

In such situations, masturbation isn’t a warning sign, but more so a healthy way for you to take care of your own desire.

Even in a tightly bonded couple, not everything needs to be shared. Enjoying time to yourself doesn’t mean you love your partner any less, it’s just a way to preserve personal space.

Masturbation is part of these self-care moments. No need to speak, perform or adapt. It's your break, your rhythm, your fantasies. Having a personal space like this doesn’t take anything away from the relationship; it can even help you to be more relaxed and attentive towards your partner in the long run.

To say that masturbation and an active sex life can co-exist doesn’t mean that there are never any tensions. As with anything, the balance between the two can become unhealthy.

Masturbation is sometimes used as a refuge, a way to avoid sex when going through a rough patch in a relationship: arguments, unresolved issues, a loss of self-confidence, fear of being judged…

In this case, it’s not masturbation that’s the issue, but in fact what the act is being used to mask. If masturbating sounds better to you than sharing an intimate moment with a partner, if you avoid getting close, it might be time to ask yourself why that is. Is it fear, fatigue, anger, a drop in desire, some sort of unspoken resentment?

Masturbation alone isn’t cause for concern. What can be worrisome is constant use of extra materials, specifically porn.

If you feel like you struggle to get turned on without video help, you’re resorting to more and more extreme content, you compare your partner to the videos you watch, or if your partner feels bad because of the porn consumption, then you need to revisit how you interact with sexual stimulants. Once again, we aren’t talking about ‘masturbation vs relationship’, simply about how to integrate these forms of media into your sex life without them having a negative impact.

Here are some indications that you may need to reevaluate your sex life:

• A long term drop in desire for your partner
• Feeling like Do I Masturbate Too Much?
• Feelings of guilt, like you’re no longer capable of managing how often you masturbate
• Repeated arguments with your partner about the topic

You don’t have to stop masturbating, but it may be time to have an honest discussion, maybe even with a professional (sexologist, therapist) to help work things out.

“Do you masturbate?” isn’t the only important question. Another important question is, “can you talk about it with your partner without judgement?” — that’s what really matters.

Avoid heated discussions after hearing porn or seeing a sex toy on the bedside table. Choose a pressure-free moment when you are both relaxed and available.

For example, you could say:

• “I’ve been thinking about people that masturbate when they’re in a relationship. What do you think?”
• “I’ve been wondering what you think about the fact that I masturbate sometimes. Do you mind if we talk about it?”

The aim is to share your feelings and opinions, not to trap the other person in an interrogation.

Everyone has their own relationship to masturbation. For some it’s a very private thing, for others it’s something that they’d like to introduce into sex with a partner.

In response to these questions, you could say:

• That the fact that your partner masturbates isn’t a big deal, but it hurts you when you feel like they’re avoiding you
• Or, on the contrary, that you need it to be a very personal space, whilst making sure that the other person doesn’t feel excluded.

There’s no ‘right’ way to do it, all that matters is what works best in the relationship.

The most common worries surrounding a partner masturbating are centred around this idea of “am I not enough?”. Thus, it’s important to make it clear that masturbating isn’t a replacement for intimacy with your partner.

Solo sensations and those felt with a partner don’t fall under the same category: the other person’s presence, their touches, body heat, looks, whispered words… none of this can be reproduced during solo play. They’re two completely different scales, not to be paired against each other in a which is ‘better’ and which is ‘worse’ contest.

The question we should be asking isn’t necessarily “can they co-exist?”, but rather “how can I organise my sex life so that these two things complement each other instead of competing with each other?”

The answer lies in a few key principles: knowing yourself, respecting yourself, daring to speak up, and making adjustments over time. With that, it becomes entirely possible to have an active sex life, to continue masturbating… and to make both of these things incredible sources of pleasure instead of a source of conflict.