Staying Together after Infidelity: Understanding and Rebuilding

​Infidelity is one of the most destabilising experiences a couple can go through. It’s not simply an act of transgression: it also constitutes breaking implicit rules within a relationship, negatively impacting core values such as trust, emotional security and identity. For a lot of people, cheating causes veritable individual and relational trauma. Although cheating is often associated with break-ups, this isn’t always necessarily the case. Clinical and scientific data show that a certain number of couples manage to overcome this obstacle, and are sometimes able to rebuild a stronger, more mindful relationship than before.

Infidelity can be defined as a violation of the exclusivity agreement in place within a couple, whether explicit or implicit (Haseli et al., 2019), sexual, emotional, physical or virtual (via social media, sexting etc.). However, the definition of infidelity remains theoretical, as in reality, each couple communicates on their boundaries in varying degrees. In clinical practice, it can often be helpful to ask each partner, “where do you draw the line between fidelity and infidelity?”.

Each individual perceives infidelity differently. For some, sexual relationships count as a transgression. For others, it’s the emotional aspect, mental intimacy or online exchanges that count as a betrayal. This subjectivity partly explains why cheating can be such a brutal experience. It’s not solely the act itself that causes rifts, but also the difference in expectations versus reality.

The prevalence of infidelity varies considerably from study to study. 23% of men and 19% of women admitted to having been unfaithful in their current relationship (Mark, Janssen, & Milhausen, 2011). Another study notes an annual prevalence of 3% and 16% over a lifetime (Labrecque & Whisman, 2017). What’s more, 25% of American marriages suffered infidelity due to relationship stress during the COVID-19 pandemic (Coop Gordon & Mitchell, 2020).

In the UK, infidelity is cited as one of the most common reasons for separation, having been mentioned by 18% of men and 24% of women (Gravningen et al., 2017). It’s important to note that these figures are likely to be under-estimates, as the social stigma attached to cheating constitutes a sensitive subject for many people.

Sociocultural context has a big impact. The expectations we have for relationships have never been more demanding. As Esther Perel (2017) points out, nowadays, we expect our partners to bring us both stability and intensity, security and passion, adventure and comfort, familiarity and novelty, continuity and surprise. However, we can’t expect one single person and one sole relationship to provide us with everything.

This tension, unique to modern relationships, can make it difficult to maintain a healthy balance. According to Esther Perel, we no longer separate from our partners because we aren’t happy, but because we could be even happier elsewhere. This hedonistic way of thinking traps us into feelings of chronic frustration. This is why it’s crucial that we reassess this ‘ideal partner’ myth, so that we are more satisfied with our relationships in the long term.

For the person being betrayed, infidelity causes one to lose their bearings. It can cause a person to question the trust they have for the other, but also alters the way they perceive the whole relationship, past and future. What seemed to be stable and sure is now uncertain, and everything they envisaged for the future and for relationships more generally has been disrupted. Infidelity distorts perceptions of the couple and the family, forcing people to reinterpret each other’s intentions, which undermines both individual and collective sense of identity.

Psychological manifestations constitute rumination, hypervigilance, trouble sleeping and eating, intense emotional outbursts etc., and are similar to those observed in people suffering from post-traumatic stress disorders (Coop Gordon & Mitchell, 2020).

Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity is not a linear process. In clinical practice, various steps are identified.

Uncovering infidelity leads to crisis. Emotions are intense, often contradictory, and can rapidly alternate between anger, despair and incomprehension. This phase amounts to genuine psychological upheaval. The betrayed person repeatedly aims to understand why their partner has been unfaithful and figure out what needs weren’t met, sometimes through asking detailed questions about the affair. Although a trying time for couples, this stage is necessary in order to understand why it happened and to rebuild the couple’s relationship, if it is to be maintained.

One recent study conducted on affected partners identified 9 main themes in the decision-making process when choosing to stay: views on infidelity, sharing with others, reasons for staying, excuses given, social support, expectations regarding sexuality, rebuilding trust, and commitment to therapy (Mitchell et al., 2026).

Gradually, the job of grieving begins. It’s not simply grieving over lost fidelity, but also over the idealised couple. Sometimes, in light of these new facts, the entirety of the relationship is put into question. This step involves renouncing certain beliefs, in particular the idea of a love that is entirely protective and of a seamless union devoid of any other desire.

This process can last many months, sometimes even years. It’s important that each partner can freely express their emotions, be understood and listened to without infidelity being a taboo subject. It’s only when suffering is fully recognised that the person who has been cheated on can begin to listen to the other’s explanations without seeing them as justifications.

A key factor depends on the attitude of the person who cheated. Rebuilding is only possible if this person fully recognises their actions and the suffering they inflicted on their partner. Going from shame and guilt to sincere apologies and empathy is a determining factor. It marks a shift in perspective, no longer centred on oneself and one’s own reasons, but on interpersonal relationships and the impact of one’s actions on others.

Forgiveness can’t be forced or rushed. It happens when the affected partner feels listened to, understood in their suffering and once again protected within the relationship. Forgiveness can be seen as a gesture towards the other person, but also as a way to free oneself from the emotional weight of betrayal. Most of the time, this is a key factor in rebuilding (Greenberg et al., 2010). It’s important to recognise that forgiving a partner doesn’t necessarily mean accepting or validating what happened.

Trust can’t be imposed. It’s rebuilt gradually through repeated acts of attention, reliability and understanding. The person who cheated should regularly be reassuring their partner, proving their commitment and love for the other. However, balance is still necessary. Excessive transparency or the need to have constant control can, paradoxically, harm the relationship. To remain meaningful and vibrant, a romantic relationship requires space for independence and, in this case, a great deal of communication and patience from both partners.

In clinic, Esther Perel explains to couples “your first relationship has ended, do you want to build a second one, together?” Instead of deciding to stay together, the question is, “what do I want the relationship to look like now?” It’s not about getting the old relationship back, as this is the one that lead to infidelity, but rebuilding new, more mindful links that respect the needs and limits of each partner.

A qualitative study concerning 9 couples having surmounted infidelity identified similarities between the affected partners and the unfaithful ones during the rebuilding process: frequent, qualitative communication, strengthening security and trust, and the importance of forgiveness (Mitchell et al., 2022).

What’s more, this approach refuses systematically to consider the injured person as a passive victim. Indeed, their intense emotional reaction can be interpreted as a form of commitment and a desire to nurture the relationship further. This energy can be channelled back into the relationship, provided there is a spirit of listening, understanding, and responsibility.

Dealing with infidelity in therapy requires an approach that is centred on both individual suffering and the relationship dynamic. Couples therapy, particularly integrative behavioural couples therapy (Barraca & Polanski, 2021), and emotionally focused therapy (Greenberg et al., 2010), have proven to be effective. They allow for couples to restore emotional security, improve communication and favour mutual understanding.

Cognitive behavioural therapy, forgiveness therapy and mindfulness-based interventions can complement this work, by helping partners to regulate their emotions and modify certain dysfunctional thoughts (Raftar Aliabadi & Shareh, 2022). Therapeutic tools such as writing (‘rebuilding journals’, emotional letters to be shared), taking turns to verbalise emotions and redistributing roles (for example, the person who has been unfaithful is responsible for bringing up the issue and regularly checking in with their partner about their feelings on the matter) are also advised.

Finally, research highlights several factors that contribute to resilience following an affair:

• Favouring open, quality communication between partners (Mitchell et al., 2022) and conflict resolution (Gravningen et al., 2017),
• Reflecting upon what actions to take in order to rebuild trust and security (Mitchell et al., 2022),
• Facilitating the process of forgiveness, which appears to be central in recuperation (Greenberg et al., 2010 ; Mitchell et al., 2022),
• Adapting therapeutic interventions (individual sessions, couples sessions, group sessions) (Ripoll-Núñez & Gordon, 2024),
• Considering the different experiences of the cheating partner and the hurt partner, especially with regards to the need for reassurance and comfort (Mitchell et al., 2022),
• Dealing with underlying relationship issues, as relational wellbeing often worsens after infidelity (Stavrova et al., 2023).
  

Infidelity is a major ordeal that deeply shakes up personal and relational foundations. It puts the foundations of a romantic relationship to the test, but doesn’t necessarily condemn it to end. Research and practice come together to show that it is possible to rebuild, as long as the commitment is serious, wrongs are recognised and a lot of work is done on the relationship. The perspective offered by Esther Perel invites us to overcome the solely destructive vision we may have of infidelity. Without downplaying the brutality of the situation, she suggests that infidelity can become a starting point for a more mindful, authentic, vibrant relationship.