Satiated in the Bedroom: How to Know if You’re Sexually Satisfied

Sexual satisfaction is an essential pillar of individual and relational well-being. According to the definition of sexual health proposed by the World Health Organization (WHO), sexual health includes not only the absence of disease and dysfunction, but also a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in line with one’s sexuality (OMS, 2006).

However, measuring your own sexual satisfaction isn’t as easy as it seems. Should it be based on the pleasure we feel, the number of orgasms we have, on how often we have sex, intimacy with a partner, physical well-being, mental well-being…? In reality, sexual satisfaction is a multidimensional phenomenon that is built upon not only individual factors, but also relational and cultural ones.

Sexual satisfaction is the “emotional response resulting from a person's evaluations of their sexual relationships, including the perception of their sexual needs being met, the satisfaction of their sexual expectations and those of their partner, and an overall positive assessment of sexual relationships” (Offman & Matheson, 2005). This evaluation is extremely subjective, two people who have had similar sexual experiences might report different levels of satisfaction (Laxhman et al., 2017).

In France, around 88% of adults report being satisfied with their sex lives, but there are clear differences between genders. 90% of men declare having had an orgasm during their last sexual encounter, compared to only 76% of women. This is an example of what we would call the orgasm gap (Bajos & Bozon, 2008). In a European context, France is the country with the highest proportion of unsatisfied women (35%) (Kraus, 2021).

Sexual satisfaction depends on the interaction between various different components: psychological, physiological, relational, sociocultural (Sánchez-Fuentes et al., 2014).

Pleasure felt during and after sexual activity are key predictors of satisfaction. These can involve arousal, pleasant bodily sensations, the ability to feel pleasure whilst remaining connected to erotic stimuli, as well as an overall feeling of accomplishment (Sánchez-Fuentes et al., 2014).

Conversely, sexuality that’s associated with shame, fear, pain, or anxiety reduces satisfaction (Meston et coll., 2024). In women, periods of the menstrual cycle can influence the capacity to appreciate pleasant sensations, depending on pain levels etc.

The consistency with which our expectations regarding our sex lives (frequency, practices, intimacy level, orgasms…) match up with our actual experiences can quite accurately predict sexual satisfaction (Sánchez-Fuentes et al., 2014). Unless you have a solo sex life, communication is extremely necessary in order to share sexual expectations with your partner.

Sexual functions (desire, arousal, lubrication/erection, orgasm etc.) influence pleasant sensations and satisfaction. For example, female bodies take longer than male bodies to ‘prepare’ for sexual activity. Thus, it’s important that the desire/arousal phase lasts around 15 minutes for a female to be physically prepared (lubrication, vagina swelling up). The male body tends to react more quickly to sexual activity (erections can appear in a matter of seconds or minutes), even though the previous phase — desire — is equally important (Masters & Johnson, 1966).

Nevertheless, every body is different, and the necessary physical prep time varies from person to person. What’s more, the fact of not being physically ‘ready’, or struggling from certain problems (vaginal dryness, erectile dysfunction) doesn’t necessarily mean you’re unsatisfied: many people develop highly satisfying relational adaptations or alternative sexual practices.

Depression and anxiety, whilst affecting one’s general well-being, have repercussions on people’s sexuality. Some treatments to relieve such issues also impact sexual function (anti-depressants, for example, can inhibit sexual desire and/or increase the time required to reach orgasm, as well as its intensity). Being unhappy in your own body and intrusive thoughts during sex also negatively impact sexual satisfaction (Pujols et al., 2010 ; Purdon & Holdaway, 2006 ; Meana & Nunnink, 2006).

Cohesion within a couple, mutual support, tenderness and emotional stability favour a fulfilling sex life (Young et al., 1998). On the contrary, sexual dissatisfaction is associated with increased conflict and conjugal distress (Laumann et al., 2006).

Talking openly about your desires, limits and preferences is a determining factor in sexual and conjugal satisfaction (Montesi et al., 2011). However, sexuality is often a subject that’s avoided: on average, people in relationships only know around 62% of what their partner enjoys sexually, and only 26% what their partner doesn’t enjoy (Byers, 2011). Thus, regular, open, and emotionally secure communication promotes sexual and relationship satisfaction (MacNeil & Byers, 2009; Rehman et al., 2017), regardless of sexual orientation.

Having sex is often positively associated to sexual satisfaction (Hunt, 1974 ; Laumann et al., 1994), but having sex less often can be satisfactory, provided it meets partners’ expectations, similar to a shared asexuality.

Having more orgasms is associated to higher sexual and marital satisfaction (Young et al., 2000 ; Singh et al., 1998). That being said, orgasm isn’t the be all and end all of sexual pleasure: communication, intimacy and complicity are just as important and can easily rival an orgasm that lacks emotional and relational quality.

Sexual compatibility refers to the degree of similarity between the sexual expectations of partners on a cognitive (beliefs, inhibition), emotional (being sexually understood by the other, sexual proximity), and behavioural level (sexual preferences, degree of agreement between partners on these preferences). It would explain up to 44% of sexual satisfaction in couples (Apt et al., 1996 ; Offman & Matheson, 2005).

On the other hand, incompatibility, for example a lasting discrepancy between desire and expectations, can lead to stress, frustration and a drop in sexual cohesion. A study conducted on women suffering from a drop in sexual desire concluded that dissatisfaction linked to sexual relations with their husband leads to an accumulation of stress. The incompatibility of each person's respective views on sexuality (frequency of sexual relations, mutual understanding of desires, difficulty for the husband to reconcile their own expectations with their wives to ensure both experience pleasure) may create a lack of cohesion around sexual values and threaten sexual compatibility. An individual’s sexual skills and capabilities also play a part (Hurlbert et al., 2000).

Numerous studies reveal the existence of a positive association between sexual satisfaction and marital satisfaction (Byers, 2005 ; Fallis et al., 2016). Sex plays a part in a more cohesive relationship, less tension, and marital distress, as well as an increase in intimacy and closeness between partners (Janus & Janus, 1993 ; Metz & McCarthy, 2007).

Janus and Janus (1993) believe that the quality of sexual relations has a positive influence on conflict resolution when the couple is sexually satisfied, and conversely, exacerbates difficulties in cases of sexual dissatisfaction. Thus, relational variables (communication, conflict management, commitment etc.) are better indicators of sexual satisfaction than individual variables (Sánchez-Fuentes et al., 2014 ; Starc, 2022).

Sociocultural scripts that are centred around penetration, minimising feminine pleasure or even taboos surrounding communication, strongly influence sexual satisfaction and contribute to the orgasm gap (Gesselman et al., 2024). Likewise, discrimination, invisibilisation or a lack of LGBTQIA+ representation can reduce sexual satisfaction for those couples concerned. Clear, comprehensive, egalitarian sex education that focuses more on the pleasure of both partners could reduce frustration and disparities (Starc, 2022).

Consulting a sexologist may be helpful when:

It should be noted that “normal” dissatisfaction can arise at different stages of life. Sexual satisfaction can reduce with age, relationship length, the arrival of a child, the presence of chronic illnesses… even if the quality of sexual relations can also increase over the years (a better connection, less performance pressure, reduction of the orgasm gap).

Couples therapy, training in sexual communication, Sensate focus exercises and relearning pleasure can restore intimacy and correct misunderstandings between partners. When these are too difficult to bring up, open communication about pleasure and negotiating practices can be addressed in couples therapy or sex therapy.

Cognitive behavioural therapy, treatments for depression or anxiety, and working on body image can improve sexual satisfaction. For example, by reducing intrusive thoughts and working on performance anxiety, an individual can regain the mental space necessary to embrace feelings of pleasure and letting go, and thus feel more sexually satisfied.

When sexual difficulties are due to physical causes (pain, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, menopause, etc.), medical treatment or perineal rehabilitation may be recommended. The results are even more pronounced when these approaches are combined with individual psychological work. And, of course, receiving clear information about the diversity of practices, the concept of consent, the importance of desire and pleasure, and the normality of variations in desire contributes to a more fulfilling sex life (Gesselman et al., 2024).

Sexual satisfaction is an indicator of well-being, based on a balance between pleasure, expectations, intimacy, and physical and mental health (McClelland, 2010). It is flexible and reversible: psychological, relational, medical, and educational interventions offer many opportunities for improvement. Recognising the diversity of sexual experiences and encouraging open communication remains essential in helping each person achieve a more peaceful and satisfying sex life.