Disability and Desire: Thinking Differently About Sexuality

How about we finally stop seeing sex and sexuality as a privilege reserved to those deemed ‘able-bodied’? What if we start seeing pleasure as a right, as freedom, as a way of self expression, regardless of one’s physical capabilities?

Sexuality is often reduced to normative standards conjured up by society. Something that’s based on performance, agility and youth, and anything that deviates from these ideas is seen as bothersome. However, living with a disability doesn’t mean living without pleasure- it just means enjoying it differently. Sometimes a little more slowly, oftentimes with more dialogue, tips and creativity. Each person, however, has the same desires: to feel alive, to feel wanted, to feel connected to themselves and to others.

Society has long since assumed that a person who is disabled must be asexual. This way of looking at things is not only incorrect, but is also deep-rooted, and contributes to the way in which these people have been stripped of access to their own body, sensuality and pleasure. Infantilisation, denying these feelings, marginalisation in the media: the obstacles faced by disabled people aren’t solely physical, but also cultural and psychological.

Desire doesn’t just disappear in the wake of medical issues, paralysis or chronic illness. Of course, it adapts and changes, but it doesn’t just cease to exist.

Yes, in many cases, one’s sex life is altered by disability. It doesn’t mean it disappears, nor does it mean it can’t be pleasurable. As mentioned previously, it can be slower, more creative and more attentive. It relies more heavily on communication, listening to one’s body and pleasure in its many forms- not simply relying on penetration.

Some people have to rediscover their bodies after an accident or an illness, others have to adapt to reduced mobility, hypersensitivity or reduced muscle strength. In these situations, sexuality becomes more so a way to explore than a way of upholding standards of performance typically associated with sex.

In some countries such as Switzerland or the Netherlands, sexual assistance is recognised as being a legitimate service one can access. This activity is a form of intimate support- either sensual or sexual- that’s properly defined and entirely respectful. The goal for sexual assistance is to allow people living with disabilities to enjoy a bodily and/or emotional experience.

In the UK, certain independent associations exist that aim to provide sexual services to disabled people, allowing people who may feel deprived of physical intimacy a way to experience pleasure. The TLC Trust is a part of the Outsiders Trust charity that allows online access to service providers who have been checked by the company for their ability and experience working with disabled people. However, due to the fact that sex work remains stigmatised and not well regulated in the UK, the person soliciting these services must do their part in ensuring their own safety and comfort.

Sex toys can play a key role in this context. They allow one to:

• Overcome certain physical limits
• Gain autonomy in the pleasure department
• Rediscover certain feelings
• Explore one’s body without pressure from others

Once again, they must be adapted to each person's specific needs.

Some options are designed to be more accessible:

• Vibrators with long handles for people with reduced mobility or who have difficulty gripping onto things
• Fastenings so that the toy can be used hands-free
• Positioning cushions to help ensure comfort and pain free play
• Adjustable harnesses makes penetration easier
  

The HandyLover is a sexual aid device designed for those with physical disabilities, elderly people, or anyone who’s mobility makes it difficult to use classic sex toys or have sexual encounters involving penetration.

It’s a high density foam block, lightweight yet stable that can be equipped with a support for a dildo to be fixed onto. You can use it on the bed or on the floor, and it makes sex for those with disabilities easier, whether solo or with a partner. It can be adjusted, and extra attachments are available, making it perfect for people with different levels of mobility.

Created by engineer Rodolphe Brichet, the Handy Lover is so much more than an accessory: it’s a concrete solution to real social issues regarding intimacy that aren’t often enough considered in the fields of healthcare and social assistance.

Breaking the silence surrounding disability and sexuality is an act of defiance. It means recognising that the right to pleasure, physical contact and seduction aren’t limited by an impairment. It also means fighting against isolation and ensuring those living with disabilities get the dignity they deserve.

Online platforms such as Cripping Up Sex, comic books like A Quick and Easy Guide to Sex and Disability, or even documentaires like Yes We Fuck! are all contributing to this important and well-needed movement.

As long as the way we talk about sex doesn’t involve diverse realities for everyone, the way we see desire will remain inadequate.