Sexual Misery: Let's Talk About It!

Not having sex doesn’t necessarily cause suffering. However, one can suffer from feeling rejected, invisible, unwanted or cut off from others. And that is often where the subject becomes more personal, more sensitive, and more interesting to explore.

In everyday language, ‘sexual misery’ generally refers to a situation of sexual deprivation or frustration. But to reduce this to a mere lack of sexual intercourse would be too simplistic.

In reality, this term encompasses many different things:

• The feeling of not being seductive
• Feeling repeatedly rejected
• A lot of frustration regarding desire
• A lack of tenderness or intimacy
• Emotional solitude that weighs on sexuality

In other words, it’s not all about not having sex. Some people are barely or not at all sexually active, and they are perfectly happy with that. Some, on the other hand, suffer deeply from this situation because it damages their self-esteem, their confidence, or their need for connection.

The word is therefore imperfect, a little harsh, sometimes clumsy, but it nevertheless points to a distress that cannot simply be brushed aside.

Sex is not a neutral talking point. It is often fraught with expectations, standards and comparisons.

Very early on, we understand that a ‘successful’ sex life and love life is often seen as a form of validation. Being desired, coupled up, pleasing to someone, seductive, sexually experienced… all of these things fuel a person’s self-confidence, the perception of their status and their personal value. And when that ‘success’ seems to be lacking, a sense of unease can quickly set in.

On top of this are social expectations. You’re supposed to be attractive, self-confident, comfortable in your own skin, naturally good at flirting, and fulfilled in your sexuality. In short, it’s an ideal that's often fantasised about, but rarely that simple in real life.

Some people suffer not only from a lack of sex, but also from the feeling of being ‘out of the loop’, behind the times, less desirable or less desired than others.

Hiding within the term sexual misery isn’t always a physical need. More often than not, it’s a need for connection.

When explained like that, it’s easier to understand why it’s such a painful subject. It touches on what it means to be human, our relationship with ourselves, our bodies, desire, and the place we believe we occupy in other people’s lives.

The issue becomes problematic when this suffering is exploited by simplistic or aggressive rhetoric.

Because no, experiencing sexual frustration does not give anyone the right to assume that sex is “owed” to them. No one owes anyone else desire, attention, availability or a relationship. And this is precisely where certain problems arise: when genuine suffering turns into resentment, bitterness or blaming the other person.

We sometimes hear the idea that society, women, dating apps and modern relationship norms are solely to blame for certain people’s unhappiness. Yet this is too simplistic a view. It turns personal pain into an external accusation, without really helping anyone move forward.

Recognising someone’s suffering is a good thing. Using it to justify anger towards others is never acceptable.

It’s important to say this, because we can acknowledge someone’s distress without endorsing the toxic language that sometimes accompanies it.

Sexual misery isn’t all about abstinence and physical frustration. It’s often a deeper mix of solitude, lack of affection, comparison, frustration in desire and intimate suffering.

By bringing nuance to the conversation, we can avoid two traps: minimising the lived experiences of certain people, or on the contrary, transforming this pain into hostile discourse towards others. Somewhere between the two lies a better option: recognise distress, understanding what it means and try to rebuild connections with the person at the heart of things.