How to Choose a Safeword With Your Partner

In the realm of shared pleasures, where intensity and fresh experiences are highly valued, the concept of a safeword, or 'safety word', becomes essential. A safeword is a pre-agreed code between partners, used to communicate clearly and instantly the need to slow down, take a break, or halt any sexual activity.

Vital in BDSM practices, but also useful in any intense sexual experience, the safeword is the key to an adventure that’s both thrilling and safe. In this article, crafted by our team of experts, the LOVE Team, we'll introduce you to the five golden rules for choosing the right safeword.

Nowadays safewords are a widely known concept, but it actually dates back to the BDSM communities of the 70’s and 80’s, a period in which these practices began to be structured around safety and consent. The idea was to create a clear signal that allows those in this community to explore pleasure in varying intensities, all whilst ensuring the protection of those involved. Little by little, the term has been popularised and is now used outside the BDSM world, in any situation in which communication may be made difficult by arousal or discomfort.

A safeword is a crucial term in the world of intimacy and sexual exploration. It's a word or phrase specially chosen by partners before diving into potentially intense sexual activities or a BDSM session. The main purpose of a safeword is to provide a safe and immediate way to express the need to stop any ongoing activity. When one partner utters this word, the other must cease all sexual activity instantly.

While the concept of a safeword originated in BDSM practices, where the lines between pain and pleasure can be blurred and deeply personal, its usefulness extends far beyond. Take, for example, a first-time anal experience, which can be uncomfortable or painful for some. The use of a safeword offers both emotional and physical security. It enables clear, unambiguous communication, crucial for maintaining an environment of trust and mutual respect.

A survey conducted in 2018 by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom revealed that almost 90% of those who practice BDSM consider the safeword as a vital part of ensuring one’s safety. This figure shows us to what extent the safeword is a central tool in guaranteeing an intense yet respectful experience.

Establishing a safeword before an intense sexual encounter or a BDSM experience is critical for several reasons. Firstly, it provides a direct and unambiguous means of communication. In situations where ordinary words might be interpreted in different ways, a safeword stands out as a clear and indisputable signal that one partner wishes to stop the activity.

Furthermore, a safeword helps maintain the consensual nature of the sexual act. Consent isn't just about an initial agreement; it must be present and reaffirmed at every moment. The safeword ensures that both partners enjoy and feel comfortable throughout the act, allowing for open communication about their limits and desires.

Lastly, the presence of a safeword creates an atmosphere of safety and tranquillity. Knowing there’s a simple and effective way to signal discomfort or disagreement allows each partner to relax and engage more fully in the experience.

Selecting the perfect safeword is a key element in ensuring a safe and fulfilling sexual experience. This word or phrase needs to be effective, easy to remember, and clearly understood by both partners.

To help you navigate this choice, we've put together five golden rules. These guidelines will steer you towards finding a safeword that is personal, effective, and suited to your relationship.

Before diving into any intense sexual experience, take the time to agree on a safeword. Do this outside of the intimate setting, at a moment when both of you are clear-headed and relaxed. Never initiate an activity without having clearly established this safety word. Repeat it to each other multiple times to ensure complete understanding and clarity.

Select a safeword that stands out clearly from the sexual context. It should have no association with the ongoing intimate activities, to avoid any confusion in the heat of the moment. Opt for a term you wouldn't normally use during sexual intercourse. It needs to be memorable, a word that's rarely used in your everyday life. Feel free to choose something fun or unusual. This can not only make it easier to remember but also help to lighten the mood and ease tension if things start to get too intense.

Always prioritise a verbal safeword over a gestural signal. Speaking a word leaves less room for ambiguity and allows for clearer communication. However, there are situations where speaking might not be possible, like when using a ball gag . In these cases, define an alternative gesture, suitable for your partner’s capabilities. This could be a snap of the fingers, a specific number of fingers raised, or a foot tap if you're in a standing position. Ensure that this gesture is simple, recognizable, and feasible in all anticipated situations.

To introduce more subtlety into your activities, consider adopting a 'slow word' system inspired by traffic light codes: 'green', 'amber', 'red'. 

• 'Green' means everything is fine, and the partner enjoys what's happening, wishing to continue. 
• 'Amber' indicates that, although the partner doesn't want to stop entirely, they would like the intensity not to increase, or even to decrease slightly. 
• ‘Red', on the other hand, is the signal to stop all activity immediately.

This system allows for constant and nuanced communication, ensuring that both partners stay in sync and fully enjoy their experience while respecting their limits.

The practice of aftercare is crucial once a safeword is used. Aftercare, or post-session care, involves giving attention and comfort to your partner after an intense sexual experience or a BDSM session. When your partner uses the safeword, it signifies their desire for an immediate halt to the activity. It's imperative to stop all actions and dedicate yourself to listening to them. Offer comfort, initiate a dialogue, ask them to share their feelings about the experience. Respect their needs, whether they require closeness or some space.

In concrete terms, aftercare comes in many forms: taking your partner in your arms, bringing them a blanket to warm them up, offering them water, giving them a gentle massage, or even offering a few reassuring words. What remains important is making sure your partner feels understood, respected and safe. Some people, however, prefer a moment alone as this helps them to regain their bearings. In this case, respecting this request is an important aspect of aftercare.

This step can help to turn a blunt ending into a moment of tenderness and complicity, thus reinforcing trust amongst partners. Aftercare isn’t a ‘bonus’, but an important part of any successful BDSM or more general sexual experience.

Utilising a safeword guarantees a sexual experience that is both safe, consensual, and exhilarating. By following these golden rules for choosing and using a suitable safeword, you and your partner will be well-equipped to explore your desires with confidence.

We hope this guide will help you create intense and memorable moments, filled with safety and pleasure. Enjoy these moments of closeness with your partner, and above all, have fun in complete tranquillity!