Is Being a Good Lover Instinctive, or Is it Learned?

Sex is a very natural thing, but getting into the groove with another person may not come as easily.

Between cultural fantasy, performance pressure and a lack of sex-ed, we all spend a lot of time fumbling our way through the world of sex. These difficulties don’t signal failure, they simply prove to us that sexuality is something to be built up over time.

In the collective imagination, our idea of a good lover is someone who just knows what we want. They predict, anticipate, master. Intimate moments we see in films are fluid, choreographed, synchronised. The reality is much more nuanced. People hesitate, falter, move a little clumsily. Sometimes there are awkward silences. We don’t tend to talk about these moments, even though they’re super common during intimacy.

Believing that everything we do should be instinctive can put invisible pressure on a person. We avoid asking questions, are too afraid to admit what we don’t know. We prefer to improvise instead of saying we’re unsure. As a result, everyone pretends they know more than they actually do.

Being good at sex isn’t a magical talent that people are born with. It’s learned through education, past experiences, self-confidence and your relationship with your own body. All of this can be taught, evolves and transforms over time.

There are loads of advice , guides and techniques available online, and some of them can be really helpful. However, there’s no one size fits all when it comes to pleasure. Why? Because everyone is different.

A gesture that might have someone going crazy, may leave another person feeling indifferent. A certain rhythm might be perfect in the moment, then too slow the next day. Sex isn’t a fixed thing because it’s an exchange between living beings.

Learning to be a good lover isn’t simply a question of memorising certain moves, it’s all about being attentive. Watch how your partner’s breathing changes, feel the tension as it mounts, adjust in the moment and avoid being too rigid. Being present counts for a lot more than knowing special techniques.

If there’s one thing you need to take away from this article, then it’s this: don’t be afraid to speak up. Tell your partner what you enjoy, what you don’t enjoy, what you’d like to try, what you’re not comfortable with.

It’s difficult guiding someone through your pleasure if you don’t understand it yourself.

Many people discover what they truly enjoy in the bedroom later on in life. This may be because they adapted their pleasure to other’s expectations, or because they tried reproducing things they’ve seen elsewhere, it could also be because they never took the time to explore in a pressure-free environment.

Learning can also be done through personal exploration: understanding your rhythm, sensitive areas, limits and fantasies. Working on yourself this way will have a massive impact on your intimate life with others. It’s no longer about validation, simply sharing a moment with another person.

Our sexual preferences are constantly evolving. What we might have liked at 20 years old isn’t necessarily what we’re looking for at age 35 or 50. Confidence changes how we use our body, positive experiences reassure us, whereas less favourable experiences can help us to better understand our own needs.

There’s no big lightbulb ‘aha’ moment where you finally become a sex master. It’s more of a gradual thing, where you can feel yourself relaxing into it, becoming more present and less judgemental of yourself and others. This is often the point in which pleasure is at its peak.

If for you, learning means performing better than the others, impressing people, learning more ‘techniques’, you’ll end up burning yourself out.

If, however, learning for you means understanding, listening and evolving, then you’re on the right track.

Learning to be good in bed requires curiosity, patience and sometimes even a little courage. It requires you to accept that you don’t know everything, and understand that this is perfectly okay.

In reality, learning to make love isn’t like memorising a dance routine, it’s more about accepting that sex can change over time. It relies on communication, curiosity and trust.

You won’t become a sexual sensation overnight, and there’s no universal guidebook for you to follow. As long as you’re willing to evolve, adapt and build intimacy with your partner, you’ll be blowing their socks off in the sack in no time.