There’s Nothing Sexy About Kink Shaming

When it comes to sex, people are often quick to judge. Sometimes all it takes is a fantasy, practice or desire that strays from what we may deem ‘normal’, for people to feel like they can mock, judge or almost demonise another person.

The problem is that behind each little joke or seemingly lighthearted comment, is a world of shame, silence and suffering. Kink shaming can cause people to feel like their desires are wrong, and even cause them to struggle with their sex life.

For starters, let’s talk about what the word ‘kink’ actually means. A kink is a desire, fantasy or sexual practice that strays away from more classic sexual exploration. A kink can be anything from role play, dom/sub dynamics voyeurism, getting aroused through the use of certain accessories and much more. As long as everything takes place between consenting adults, there’s no need to feel ashamed about what you enjoy.

Kink shaming is the term used when someone mocks, judges, ridicules or humiliates someone because of what they enjoy in the bedroom. Even if it isn’t extremely nasty doesn’t mean it’s not kink shaming. A mocking remark, a hint of disgust in one’s voice, a passive-aggressive comment or an unkind post on social media, all of this counts as kink shaming.

There’s a huge difference in saying “it’s not really my thing” and “that’s gross”. The first is a way of setting boundaries, the second is a personal attack. When it comes to sex, we still tend to struggle with separating what we don’t personally enjoy from what is bizarre, abnormal or ridiculous.

Sex is often a difficult topic of conversation. Even though nowadays we’re able to talk more openly about pleasure, consent and kinks, the world of sex is still subject to strict norms. There exists a side that is deemed ‘acceptable’, ‘sexy’, ‘romantic’ or even ‘clean’, and on the flip side, everything else that doesn’t fit into said categories.

As soon as a practice seems a little different, people tend to feel confused and even uncomfortable about its existence. When faced with this discomfort, it’s sometimes easier to mock or judge instead of trying to understand.

Education also plays an important role. If a person grows up with the idea that there’s a ‘right way’ to enjoy sex, then anything outside this idea can seem strange, excessive or ‘wrong’. Cultural representations, clichés and moralising speeches can also reinforce this idea. Sometimes, it’s simply a lack of information that causes such reactions.

The difference lies in how we talk about it. Saying “it’s not my thing” or “I’m not really into that” expresses a personal opinion. Saying “no normal person would enjoy that” is different. Comments like this are no longer purely focused on personal tastes, instead it imposes judgement on others.

Kink-shaming can also have a wider impact on the way a person lives their sex life. Constantly worrying about being judged or wondering whether your desires are ‘normal’ can make it difficult to let go and fully enjoy the moment. This pressure can contribute to sexual anxiety, including fears of disappointing a partner, not being good enough or failing to meet their expectations.

For some people, this stress can also affect sexual response itself. Difficulties such as erectile problems, low sexual desire or trouble reaching orgasm may sometimes be made worse by anxiety, pressure or fear of being judged by a partner.

Being able to talk openly about your desires without shame will not solve everything, of course, but it can help create a more relaxed and reassuring environment. A fulfilling sex life is not about conforming to a particular norm. It is above all about trust, respect, consent and feeling able to be yourself with your partner.

To begin with, it’s important to differentiate between a fantasy and a practice you genuinely want to explore. You might find something sexy, but only when it’s in your head. In this same way, being curious about or enjoying a certain practice doesn’t define your whole sex life, nor does it immediately make you an ‘extreme’ or ‘abnormal’ person.

It’s also important to choose the right moment to talk about your desires. The best opportunities are during a calm, pressure-free moment, rather than bringing it up out of the blue during intimacy. This way, conversation will come more naturally and partners will have the chance to talk about what they enjoy and what intrigues them, but also talk about their limits and what makes them feel apprehensive.

What’s more, there’s no need for an immediate, clear-cut decision about how, when and where to try a new practice. You and your partner can be curious without being ready to dive right in, you may be okay with some things but not others, or you may need some time to figure out how you feel. Desires and limits evolve over time and this is completely fine, so long as everyone involved is able to express these changes openly and freely.

A fulfilling sex life isn’t based on sharing all the same desires with another person. What matters is being able to talk about these differences without ridicule, pressure or guilt, while recognising that a partner is always free not to share the same desire.

Consent, respect and safety remain the key reference points. They are far more useful in determining whether a practice can be explored in a healthy way than whether it is common or unusual. A desire does not need to be shared by the majority to be valid, as long as it involves consenting adults and respects everyone’s boundaries.

Kink shaming is not just a blunt opinion about someone else’s preferences. It means making someone feel ashamed of what attracts them, turns them on or sparks their curiosity. And in something as personal as sex, that kind of judgement can have a much greater impact than people sometimes realise.

We do not need to share the same desires in order to respect one another. We do not need to understand everything to avoid treating it with contempt. And there is certainly nothing to gain from turning the diversity of human desire into a competition over what is considered ‘normal’.