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Why is it that, even though sex is supposed to be pleasurable, it’s sometimes super stressful? Worried about being rubbish in bed, getting too in your head, overthinking everything… Anxiety around sex is more common than you may think. No need to fear, though, the LOVE Team is here to help you through it.
Performance anxiety can rear its ugly head at any time: at the beginning of a relationship, after a bad experience, when you’re feeling overly tired, or even when you’re under a lot of pressure in other aspects of life.
Often, anxiety around sex isn’t solely linked to the physical side of things. Sometimes, your inner thoughts can impact your physical performance, and as a result, intimacy becomes less spontaneous, less playful and more anxiety-inducing.
A person suffering from performance anxiety experiences stress, fear and intense pressure when it comes to all things sex. They may feel this way before anything happens or during the act.
Performance anxiety can manifest itself in different ways, from a complete blockage to a less intense form of internal tension. Questioning everything you do, overthinking your every action, focusing too much on trying to be perfect, all these things can spoil the moment.
Contrary to what you may think, everyone can be affected by performance anxiety, regardless of age, gender or relationship status.
Performance anxiety doesn’t look the same for everyone. For some, it’s a mental thing: fear of disappointing your partner, worrying about what they might be thinking, stressing that you won’t be able to fully enjoy the moment.
For others, this anxiety manifests itself physically. A drop in libido, struggling to feel pleasure, get an erection or get wet. You might even feel like an orgasm is impossible. Some people prefer avoiding sex so as not to deal with the discomfort that performance anxiety causes.
It’s a vicious cycle. Fear affects performance, which in turn causes more fear, which affects performance…
Everyone’s experience with performance anxiety and what leads to it is different, but there are some common denominators. A lot of sufferers feel as though sex has to be ‘perfect’, i.e, long-lasting, fluid movements, high intensity, 100% satisfaction from start to finish.
The way a person views their own body is another factor often at the root of performance anxiety. If they spend too much time complexing over their body and the way they look, it quickly becomes very difficult to focus on pleasure.
Other common problems include negative past experiences, a lack of self-confidence, extreme fatigue, stress and an overly heavy mental load. Everything that acts as a mental block can also spill over into the bedroom.
The first thing you need to do is stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Sex doesn’t need to be perfect for it to be satisfying. The more you try to create this idealised moment, the more likely you are to miss out on real pleasure.
Another thing you can do is simply talk to your partner. Let them know how you feel, explain how they can help you to relax and provide reassurance.
Go back to basics. Take your time, focus on sensations, rediscover intimacy without turning it into a performance. If your anxiety becomes too much to deal with, get in touch with a professional who can guide you through the healing process.
Suffering from performance anxiety isn’t shameful. It’s often a sign that you're under too much pressure, not feeling secure in the current situation, or that you simply have too much going on inside your head.
Take some time, be gentle on yourself, and you’ll be back to enjoying sex in no time!
