How To Write a BDSM Contract for Your D/s Relationship

You don’t need to enter into a 24/7 D/s relationship, a few simple habits can be enough for you and your partner to enjoy this dynamic outside BDSM sessions, without it completely taking over your life.

This is why the LOVE Team recommend drafting a BDSM contract. This way, you can impose rules, decide where and when they apply, and more importantly, make sure that both partners are consenting.

Putting certain rules in place may seem simple, in theory.

“Partner A chooses partner B's outfit” Okay, great. But when? Only when we’re staying in the house? When we’re going out for a date? For work as well?

“Partner B has to get permission to cum” Even during masturbation?

“Partner A decides for partner B” To what extent does partner A get to decide?

BDSM contracts can be super useful for this reason, as you and your partner will have a chance to discuss any uncertainties around each specific rule.

In your contract, write down the rules that you mutually agree on, at what moments the Dom/sub dynamic is active, the decisions that the Dom gets to make, and the things that remain completely separate from this dynamic.

There’s no particular list for you to copy from. Some people require a lot of structure, others are happy with just two or three rules to reinforce the D/s dynamic outside the bedroom.

A few ideas for the sub could be that they:

• Use a particular title in certain moments (for example, master, mistress or sir)
• Ask for permission before masturbation and orgasm
• Sometimes wear an outfit, piece of underwear, collar or accessory of the Dom’s choosing
• Accomplish a small task or ritual the two of you have agreed upon
• Send a message at a specific point of the day
• Adopt certain positions when actively in a D/s dynamic
• Allow the Dom to make certain day-to-day decisions
• Ask for authorisation before using certain sex toys
• Follow certain rules of chastity or orgasm control

There’s no need to create a massive list of rules, the best thing to do is choose the things that are going to add something positive to your existing dynamic.

A contract may also be a natural way to integrate different BDSM accessories, such as collars, chastity devices, bondage accessories or even remote controlled sex toys into your daily life, without relegating them to strictly use in sessions.

Start by thinking about what attracts you to the idea of a daily D/s dynamic. You like the idea of your partner choosing some of your outfits? Write it down. You like the idea of having to ask permission for certain things? Write it down too. A morning or nighttime ritual sounds like fun? Same thing.

Then, go through each idea again and ask yourself these three questions:

When will each rule apply?
To what extent does it form part of your daily life?
How do we stop if needed?

This may seem obvious, but asking these questions can make a big difference in each rule being sexy on paper versus being actually enjoyable to explore. For example, you might start out with the idea “my Dom chooses my outfit” and finish with “my Dom can choose my underwear at the weekend”. It’s less intense, but a much clearer and easier rule to respect.

Your D/s dynamic can be expressed through even the most mundane of tasks.

Make your Dom a coffee, send them a message at a specific time, stay in a specific position, say goodnight in a specific way or follow some sort of ritual when one of you returns home.

These sorts of rules might not seem anything special, but they can be great for reinforcing your D/s bond. This way, you can also mix and match sexual rules, routine, service, discipline and everyday habits, depending on your preferences.

Some rules can be difficult to follow if they’re unrealistic in relation to your everyday life.

If you have to ask for permission for certain things, then what happens if your partner is at work, travelling or simply unavailable? The same thing goes for the outfit rule, or any daily ritual.

Some days, you don’t have time for rules, and that’s perfectly okay. It’s best to discuss exceptions from the start rather than ending up with a rule, initially meant to be exciting, that now feels like a burden that neither partner takes pleasure from.

Not every aspect of your life needs to be part of your Dom/sub dynamic. You may want to keep things like work, money, health, contraception, family and friendships and more important decisions completely separate from your D/s dynamic.

If you want a way to signal that the dynamic needs to be paused, then you and your partner can decide on a safeword or a gesture, like removing your collar.

This will make it easier for you and your partner to communicate and to know what is part of the D/s dynamic and what requires the two of you to discuss as equals.

Some couples like to introduce punishments for non-respect of the contract.

If this is something you and your partner are interested in, then it needs to be discussed in advance. What punishments are you both okay with? Which ones are a no? Is it fair to punish the sub because they forgot something or made a mistake during a particularly difficult day? Your contract can help you make this distinction.

Punishments must be chosen together. It must not be used to force acceptance of a restriction, to settle a dispute or to penalise an attempt to change a rule.

BDSM contracts don’t need to be 10 pages long, you can start simple with things like:

What we want out of our dynamic:
When our D/s dynamic is active:
The rules we want to test out:
Permission is required for:
The rituals that we enjoy:
Exceptions to the dynamic:
When the D/s dynamic doesn’t apply:
How to pause the dynamic:
Accepted consequences and punishments:
When do we need to discuss readjusting our contract?

Start out with just three rules and see how you get on. You’ll quickly see which ones please you and which ones are more sexy in theory than in practice.

Another thing to remember is that your BDSM contract is not set in stone. It is entirely possible for it to evolve and change as you and your partner’s relationship to BDSM also changes.