Avoidant Attachment Style: Why Are some People Afraid to Show Their Feelings?

Fear of emotional attachment isn’t necessarily due to indifference, a lack of interest or the absence of love for another person. It may actually be what we call an avoidant attachment style, i.e., an unconscious form of self-preservation.

This mix of a need for proximity paired with a need to flee can make relationships difficult, for both the avoidant person and their partner.

Avoidant attachment is a type of insecure attachment style that some people experience in relationships. It is generally characterised by a person who highly values their independence, keeps their emotions at a distance and may feel extreme discomfort when a relationship becomes too serious and too intense.

This, however, doesn’t mean that feelings are inexistent. On the contrary, all the usual emotions are present, but they’re contained, minimised or put to one side. Being vulnerable, needing someone and allowing them into your life may make you feel like you’re losing control.

In a relationship, this may take different forms: creating a distance when the other tries to get close, avoiding emotional discussions, struggling to express one’s needs, or even feeling suffocated when things start getting serious.

Your partner may see this as you being detached, although in reality it’s a defence mechanism.

Fear of attachment doesn’t happen randomly, a person usually develops it due to past personal experiences.

Avoidant attachment styles sometimes stem from childhood, especially if a person’s parental figures weren’t reassuring or emotionally available and stable enough. It may also be developed later on, due to romantic deception, painful relationships, moments of abandonment, betrayal or any other experience that teaches attachment equals suffering.

So without always realising, some people develop the reflex of not becoming ‘too’ dependant, not getting their hopes up too much, not opening up too much. It’s better to always have an escape plan, to never feel exposed.

The paradox is that you can genuinely want to love and be loved, whilst panicking the moment it becomes a reality. It’s not necessarily the relationship itself that’s the problem, but what it brings to the surface: the fear of being hurt, invaded, rejected, or of no longer knowing how to protect yourself.

There’s no specific avoidant attachment checklist, but people tend to agree on a few common denominators. Someone with an avoidant personality style doesn’t necessarily come across as aloof all the time. They are capable of connecting with partners, it’s just that they tend to shut down once the relationship becomes more emotionally engaging or ‘serious’.

In a relationship, this may look like:

Partners of those with avoidant attachment styles may feel destabilised when faced with such issues, due to the shows of affection, intimacy and desire from their partner that are often followed by a confusing distance. It may feel like the other person is never fully accessible, or that they drift away just as things are getting serious.

That being said, try not to rush into labelling. Enjoying your independence, being careful with your emotions or taking your time when it comes to love doesn’t automatically mean you have an avoidant attachment style. It is, above all, the repetition of certain patterns and the persistent difficulty in forming a secure attachment that indicate this type of issue.

The first step to getting over an avoidant attachment style begins with awareness. Understanding that you keep your distance, not because your partner isn’t important to you, but because proximity reveals something sensitive in you, will already help you put a new perspective on your behaviour.

We then recommend you take intimacy little by little and try voicing your feelings, even if it’s difficult. Talk about your boundaries instead of running away. Accept that a healthy relationship won’t take away your independence, but neither does it rule out the need for support, affection or security.

In some cases, therapy can help you to understand where this fear comes from and in turn create healthier coping strategies. It’s important to note that therapy isn’t an admission of weakness, but a way of breaking free from a protective mindset that has become too rigid.

The aim isn’t to do a complete 180, aka, become overly dependent and reveal everything without holding anything back. Rather, the idea is to be able to form attachments without seeing it as a constant threat.

Being afraid of forming attachments does not mean being incapable of love. It often means that, at some point in one’s life, love, intimacy or emotional dependence have been associated with something uncomfortable or threatening.

Avoidant attachment is neither inevitable nor a personality flaw. It is a coping mechanism – often a protective one – that can change over time, with greater self-awareness and more secure relationships.